Somewhere out there, shampoo is needed

by Zairil Khir Johari
The Malaysian Insider

These are busy and exciting times. I have less than two days to pack for a two-week adventure in a land full of charm and mystique. Besides the usual necessities — toothbrush, clothes, Blackberry (Heaven forbid I forget that) — I will also be stuffing my luggage with bottles and bottles of… shampoo.

Now, I am not particularly fastidious about hair care, but I have heard that where I’m headed, there is a great need for a very special kind of shampoo. You see, in this land not so far away, I have heard that people are suffering from a chronic attack of a noxious condition known simply as “white hair”.

As far as my research has revealed, this plague, colloquially called pek moh, began to manifest exactly 30 years ago. In the beginning it appeared harmless enough, innocently revealing only streaks of silver.

But soon, without anyone realising, it began to burrow itself deep into the earth, spreading its white roots over every inch of fertile soil. Over the years, as the land and its people showed symptoms of progressive “whitening”, so did its grip tighten and its actions emboldened.

Very soon, it became evident that nothing would be spared, not even the lush tropical forest for which this land is famous. The ancient spirits of the forest were helplessly driven away as trees were felled, ignominiously sacrificed as a source of nutrient for this debilitating disease.

Not unlike cancer, this malignant pathogen displays traits of uncontrolled growth, greedily invading and intruding upon every resource that it can scour, living or otherwise. Such is the nature of its hegemony that it will continue to infest until eventually it will lay waste to a land once proud and green.

White hair or pek moh is not only a ruthless pathogen, it is also a master of deception. In order to beguile its victims, it releases endorphins to create short-term pleasure and a false sense of prosperity while it continues to plunder the land and flaunt a lifestyle of debauchery.

In fact, stories now abound of its plan to secure the future of its genetic legacy. Through an elaborate gestation process, during which all other rival chromosomes were eliminated, it has now spawned progeny that have in turn infected the land and continued its callous tradition of unscrupulous pillaging of natural resources. Not a single inch of soil in this land is safe so long as any trace of this carcinogenic pathogen remains.

But there have been attempts at finding a cure. A famous effort was made by a legendary expert from Switzerland. He was a green warrior, a defender of nature and sworn protector of the jungle and its inhabitants.

He had lived in this land for many years, assimilating himself with the nomadic way of his chosen tribe. Finally, infuriated over the plundering of his adopted land and provoked by the ravaging of his adopted sisters, the nomadic women, he rose up to challenge the formidable might of pek moh and its retinue of sycophantic viruses.

Alas, this warrior was but one and his antibodies were no match to the poisonous germs. He has since been silenced, never to be heard of again. He remains today a martyr in the war against the scourge known as white hair.

However, pek moh’s strength is not absolute, for nothing in nature is so. Though at times seemingly indomitable, it is compelled to renew its powers in a periodic phenomenon that occurs every four to five years.

Such a phenomenon, I have come to learn, is about to take place a fortnight from now. It is an event that enjoins the entire land, uniting and in some cases dividing its inhabitants.

It is an event that puts the fate of the land in the hands of its people, and failure to respond will result in a more severe bout of the plague.

However, caution must now abound, for it is precisely at this time that pek moh’s devious methods are intensified, as it will do everything within its power to maintain its iron grip. Even as I prepare myself to face such a menace, I am ever cautious of the sheer power of its incumbency.

Yet I am also quietly hopeful. I believe the era of the white scourge is nearing its end, because as toxic and contagious as pek moh’s infectious virus may be, it is no match to the collective antibodies of the people. But the key word is collective. The ailing people have long been divided, and the task to unite them requires much assistance.

There is no magical vaccine, but recently, a special anti-white hair formula has been developed and packaged into a shampoo bottle. This 2-in-1 serum is designed not only to cull the white roots, but also to ensure that the disease remains in remission.

If enough people apply this shampoo over the coming fortnight, there is every possibility that white hair will begin to shed and be replaced by a new coat of healthy locks.

A brighter future beckons for this great land and its people. But there is yet much work to do if our friends are to be saved. Meanwhile, I think I need an extra bag.

  1. #1 by dcasey on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 12:17 pm

    Pek Moh, the alien lifeform that should not have a place in Sarawak, must be cast back to where it came from….some outerspace galactic @*#%hole that will never see the light.

  2. #2 by boh-liao on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 12:20 pm

    If Sarawakians give pekmoh n BN another 5 more yrs ruling S’wak, d remaining green patches will turn dirty brown, nothing but mud left
    No more natural habitat left, pity orangutans n other fauna will b destroyed
    Pekmoh n his family members no worry, enjoy extravagant life in their palaces overseas

  3. #3 by All For The Road on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 12:28 pm

    The people of Sarawak should go and vote for change in the coming state elections.

    The ‘pek moh’ state government should not be given another mandate to rule again if the ‘rape’ of the virgin jungles and forests are to be stopped!

  4. #4 by hallo on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 12:30 pm

    There is don’t need any shampoo.

    If there is any their tradition *e*d Hunter.

    It is very useful now to save their tribe.

    Fight like your ancestor with courage no fears.

  5. #5 by Godfather on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 12:35 pm

    People of Sarawak:

    Be brave, and vote for change now. Don’t be taken in by promises of change. If PR is elected, we promise to go after Taib and his gang to reclaim what rightfully belongs to Sarawakians.

    We will ask the UK, US and Canada to freeze all of his real estate holdings. We will ask the Swiss banks to freeze his accounts. Vote for a better tomorrow, a future that’s free of parasites and thieves.

  6. #6 by hallo on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 12:36 pm

    Fight like your ancestors.

    Standup with courage like your ancestors.

    Use your hands do the right vote to free us Malaysians from the devil.

    Fight like your ancestors with no fears.

    You will earn with all our righteous Malaysians respect.

    Yes, use your hands do the right vote to free us Malaysians from the devils, corruption devils.

  7. #7 by dagen on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 12:47 pm

    So remember people, wash you hair twice a day with this special “anti-pekmoh” shampoo and all will be well.

    I am the sole supplier in the country of the special shampoo sold under the trademark “Anti-Pekmoh”. I sell them cheap for the good of the nation. Only RM100/bottle of 100ml. The price is cheap considering the efforts that went into its invention and the technology required for its production. Bulk purchase discount is available. Saloons, supermarkets and pharmacies etc are welcomed to be distributors.

    Beware of imitations. They do not give you the desired effects. In fact they could aggravate your “pekmoh” condition. I suspect that the fake products could be produced by umno and they were produced for that purpose, i.e. to aggravate the “pekmoh” condition.

    For more info visit or call 0800-pekmoh.
    … ooohh ho ho ho. Fatt tatt lor. He he he he …

  8. #8 by k1980 on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 12:51 pm

    If the orangutans in Sarawak are allowed to vote, they would vote PR in protest against Taib for destroying their jungle.

  9. #9 by baochingtian on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 1:28 pm

    Surely in most higher learning institutions there will b some East Malaysian Associations or Sarawak/Sabah Associations. How can the comments/motivation remarks here be made available to them? These are the people who would relate stories of pek moh and bn to their family members, close relatives and friends in Sarawak.

  10. #10 by baochingtian on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 1:33 pm

    Zairil, probably these rural people may not have seen any shampoo. Pls present these special shampoo, in small bottles, if the party has limited resources, to them. Tell them after using it, their days will be brighter and more cheerful!

  11. #11 by k1980 on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 1:51 pm

    I heard that Chua SL is going too, but unlike Zairil, Chua’s packing bottles and bottles of viagrah……. Jib is packing also bottles and bottles of SK-II to make himself “fairer”

  12. #12 by limkamput on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 1:54 pm

    Godfather, you are too late, assets already moved, to Timbaktu and perhaps some other far away Latin American or African countries. Did we not have one of our former leader who liked to go horse riding in a range in Argentina?

  13. #13 by baochingtian on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 2:11 pm

    Jib would probably bring along anakku gadisku wet towel coz he needs it to dry his forehead sweat and wipe his lips after telling the villagers i help u u help me.

  14. #14 by sheriff singh on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 3:33 pm

    The cure for white hair is simply to shave the head totally bald.

    Then like Sammy Velloo, do a ‘hair transplant’ hopefully not with hair grown ‘down under’.

    If this still does not work, ask Rosmah for her wig maker.

    Else contact the Sarawak Headhunter for a permanent cure.

  15. #15 by monsterball on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 4:08 pm

    White Hair may actually look much younger shaving totally bald.
    Afterall he got a new 27 year old wife.
    I have a strange feeling that knot tying is a marriage of convience for money matters.
    He thinks he can be like Anthony Quinn?
    Seriously speaking…ROCKETS AND HORNBILL are blasting and flying all over Sarawak for his Judgement Day.

  16. #16 by alenlee on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 5:16 pm

    Is there any ceramah carry out in Sarawak? so far i can’t find any of DAP ceramah from youtube, i think it is good to upload it to youtube asap since we left with ard 10 days to the election.

  17. #17 by boh-liao on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 5:52 pm

    Hornbill, hornbill, go after d horny pek moh n chase him n his family + cronies in2 d mighty Rejang river, plom plom
    Wonder if d author’s father was a close fren of pek moh

  18. #18 by Jong on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 5:58 pm

    Pek Moh better watch out, if he tells too much lies, that Hornbill will peck off his dentures!

    Heard that toothless liar being interviewed by BBC over stealing of Sarawak forests, aired over London last week. He said and I quote:

    “..there are 80% land still around in Sarawak and anyone who wants to verify what I said are free to do so but, they must be independent on their own. Poverty has been eradicated to now 4.5% from 40% when I inherited…”

    Poverty in Sarawak eradicated? Where ..urban Kuching where those filthy rich BN politicians reside?
    I thought at least 70% of Sarawak population live in dire poverty level, and more and more are in shacks without clean running water and electricity, let alone decent paved road access!

  19. #19 by hallo on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 6:17 pm

    They should be locked in jail.

    They illegal logging the Sarawak timber.

    Export the illegal logging without any declare of tax.

    They should be locked in jail as they are criminals in law illegal logging of Sarawak land.

  20. #20 by Loh on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 6:22 pm

    We need to remove Pek Moh so that UMNO would lose the fixed deposits. UMNO is the greatest evil of all.

    There are 19 NGOs defending Islams. I believe this only happens in Malaysia where there are so many NGOs who consider it necessary to defend a religion which is practiced by people around the world. Why do they have to ‘work hard’ to defend a religion when Malaysia has only 15 million Muslims out of 1.2 billion Muslims around the world. So 1.25 per cent of the believers found it their responsibility to defends a religion where 98.75 per cent of the Muslims around the world know that the religion does not require human to defend it. Clearly religion now has been used to advance Ketuanan Melayu racism because Islam is the only common factor among Malays.

  21. #21 by ShiokGuy on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 6:25 pm

    Make sure you check in your Shampoo, because liquid shampoo are not allow in flight :)

  22. #22 by tak tahan on Monday, 4 April 2011 - 10:17 pm

    Ya,also detergent to be checked in for cleansing the carcinogenic white slimy liquid left over by white hair.Lastly also the water hose.Then sure can win 1.Let’s use the shampoo together to cleanse Sarawak from further erosion.

  23. #23 by monsterball on Tuesday, 5 April 2011 - 1:32 am

    They even took my mini Swiss Army knife which is harmless with few functions.
    But I took it back and ran to the toilet and flushed it away…hahahahahaha

  24. #24 by raven77 on Tuesday, 5 April 2011 - 2:27 am

    Dont know man….

    Urbanites no problem….but jungle votes are worrying…..the white hair man may stay, courtesy of the natives…..

  25. #25 by chinkimwah on Tuesday, 5 April 2011 - 7:09 am

    The name of your shampoo is called UBAH. Let UBAH cleanse away the ‘pek moh’s’ 30 years of misrule and corrupt practices. UBAH! UBAH! UBAH!

  26. #26 by son of perpaduan on Wednesday, 6 April 2011 - 9:17 pm

    Bruno Manser is missing and presumed dead. Manser was last seen in May 2000 in the isolated village of Bario in the Malaysian state of Sarawak, close to the border with Indonesia. His last known communication is a letter mailed to his girlfriend on May 22, 2000, from the village of Bario, in the Kelabit Highlands, Sarawak, where he had returned to meet the nomadic Penan he lived with for so long. Manser protested internationally for Sarawak. Manser is still regarded by the Penan as somewhat of an idol, named “Lakei Penan” (Penan Man). A man that united them and has been accused by the government of arranging numerous blockades of logging roads (although no proof has been given) and having some positive effect by protesting in Tokyo and Europe about the alleged inhumanity of the tropical timber industry.

    After search expeditions proved fruitless, a civil court in Basel ruled on March 10, 2005 that Manser be considered dead.[citation needed]

    Manser’s unpopularity with Sarawak’s government and the logging companies such as Samling, who have been known to use intimidation and violence as scare tactics have prompted suspicions surrounding his death, none of which have yet been proved.

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