Bawang: Red Bean Army reveals secret battle with Tau Foo Fah

By Terence Toh | May 30, 2013

“Great Dessert War” originated over a fight over which side was more delicious, soldier reveals.

Red Bean Army

SUNGAI NIBONG: The so-called Red Bean Army was formed to launch a secret invasion on the Tau Foo Fah Kingdom, a soldier revealed yesterday.

In an exclusive interview, Sergeant Bobo Cha Cha, 43, shared that the army had drafted over 40,000 cyber-troopers, storm troopers, paratroopers and super troopers in a non-stop attack on the Kingdom.

“We were just boys when they recruited us.” A visibly emotional Bobo said. “Barely out of school. They took away our books, and pressed bean rifles and sweet potato grenades into our hands.”

“I’ve seen some horrible things. I wake up screaming in the night, remembering my friends, who were caught in the ruthless gula melaka bombings. One time, we were ambushed by syrup canons. We were forced to retreat.. and we ran right into their atapchi mines. Prisoners of war were forced to endless portions of tau foo fah.”

Bobo added that while their enemies were vicious, it was their superiors whom he and his fellow soldiers particularly hated, due to their utter disregard for their troopers’ well-being. Bobo then rolled up his trouser leg to reveal a prosthetic left foot.

“The Red Bean Army Generals are monsters. I hope they get their just desserts,” he spat.

Bobo revealed that hundreds of Malaysians were being conscripted into the Red Bean Army every day to bolster their side in the Great Dessert War. According to him, the war started centuries ago after the leaders of the two nations had a tiff over which of them was the most delicious.

“The rivalry continues even today. Go to a market. You see how the tau foo fah and red bean soup sellers never talk to each other? Old blood runs deep!” Bobo said.

Bobo also scoffed at rumors that the Red Bean Army had been formed to launch cyber-attacks on rival political parties, saying those rumors were a smokescreen for the group’s true military purposes.

He further revealed that were further plans by the Red Bean Army to invade the Cendol Islands and the Republic of Goreng Pisang.

“The horror,” Bobo whispered, tears in his eyes. “The horror!”

  1. #1 by mikewellfire on Friday, 31 May 2013 - 11:40 am

    I salute you Sgt Bo Bo Cha Cha. Hope the tau sah pow army doesn’t catch up with you!!

  2. #2 by worldpress on Friday, 31 May 2013 - 12:00 pm

    No say about those monkey in the jungle

    Come out few years turn Malaysia election into monkey playground

  3. #3 by Bigjoe on Friday, 31 May 2013 - 1:50 pm

    I think the Cham-Cham (Bangladeshi), Gulab (Pakis), Pulut Hitam (Indo) and Halo-Halo (Pinoy) army are more worrisome..

  4. #4 by worldpress on Friday, 31 May 2013 - 2:13 pm

    Unless you agreed election was clean and fair

    Otherwise don’t keep saying they have 47%-48% vote

    Don’t get confused

  5. #5 by buylower2003 on Friday, 31 May 2013 - 3:26 pm

    “Prisoners of war were forced to endless portions of tau foo fah.”

    U mean like the endless buffet makans & enemy flags & endless reruns of Dark Lord Sauron in Red Bean clothing beating red bean drums??? The horror!!!

  6. #6 by sheriff singh on Friday, 31 May 2013 - 3:43 pm

    OK OK It is time to send in the Read Bean Brigade. They will put everything in order, these fierce soldiers. They also do hand to hand combat.

  7. #7 by Noble House on Friday, 31 May 2013 - 5:57 pm

    Yes, the war with the Red Bean Army has even spilled over into the kingdom of sweet corn warriors. They simply hate the sight of each other whenever they are at the same place and same time. One would have shouted “Angtow” and the other would replied with “Pow Soak” All hell will break loose here!

  8. #8 by Just_True on Friday, 31 May 2013 - 6:07 pm

    Fear not, we will prevail, Red beans. Don’t give up. We will fight till the last bean is counted.

  9. #9 by Cinapek on Friday, 31 May 2013 - 11:50 pm

    Utusan fantasized that DAP had the Red Bean Army. Actually, they were influenced by UMNO’s Green Bean stormtroopers.

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