by Alwyn Lau
The Malaysian Insider
April 28, 2013

APRIL 28 – Here are six reasons why:

1. I get too many messages already; every week greedy corporations try to sell me stuff I don’t need, using cheesy messages which insult even my stupidity. Next to your corruption, KL traffic jams and our football team, corporate SMS-es will be the death of Malaysia. So stop polluting my mobile Messages and instead try a nice 1-Malaysia brochure taped to two free return tickets to Paris – this might arouse my curiosity if not my attention (but no I still won’t vote for you).

2. I can’t stand reading superficial declarations of great things to come from a party which has, for the past fifty years, been promising oceans but delivering droplets. Like that quote in Top Gun, Barisan’s mouth keeps writing cheques your body can’t cash. Worse, BN has been handing out free money to friends and cousins for half a century; but now you’ve got fewer friends because many people’s cousins are suffering from the holes you’ve been covering up with acronyms (NEP, NDP, 1M, IM4U, etc.)

And for once I’d like to read about the millions you invested for the Orang Asli or those folks I see on “Bersamamu Malaysia” (shown on TV3) whose poverty and condition I know you’ll never include into a 1-Malaysia pamphlet. These people need you more than Psy needs to visit Penang.

3. I’m also ticked off when your SMS-es wax big time about how Barisan is the hope of the country, how you’re the only group which can ensure that ‘BANGSA’ and ‘NEGARA’ remain shining bright. Because the whole galaxy knows that you’re helpless against certain people who don’t mind seeing the country burn. That independent dude standing in Pasir Mas, for example. He’s a walking, bad-mouthed proof of how some folks have more rights than others in this country or how there’s almost nothing left of rights because the center has gone south with regards to its moral-political compass. Translated: BN has messed up Malaysia’s democracy. That’s why March 8th happened; that’s why May 5th will make March 8th look like April 1st. And you still want to send corny text messages?

4. Every SMS from you which interrupts three precious seconds of my life reminds me of the traffic disruptions caused by your motley crew of VIPs’ on the road. Virtually every hour in KL, there’s some big-shot in a black car (somehow it’s always black) who doesn’t feel a tad bit guilty using public finance to frustrate public drivers. Why do your previous VIPs’ need to inconvenience every other motorist so their flashy vehicles can ride like they’re on the set of Fast & Furious? Seriously, what’s the hurry? Are you defusing a bomb? Delivering a baby?

I once saw a policeman plant his bike in front of an ambulance in order that a huge long car with flags can go at 100km/hour in the heart of the city without its driver having to hit the brake even once. Chances are the over-weight bureaucrat in the back-seat didn’t have a clue that his travel itinerary risked somebody’s life. Chances are, too, that he’s used to giving speeches about how his party is ‘for the people’ and that if Malaysia wants stability, she’ll need to stick with the two weighing-baskets bathed in dark blue. Newsflash: Bad blue is on the way out. White, green, red and happy blue are coming in. And this time no more frogs.

5. Most of your SMS-es are written in capital letters: DO YOU KNOW HOW IRRITATING AND RUDE THAT SOUNDS? WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM – BLIND? Are you guys so morally insecure you find uncapped letters a threat to your public self-image?

6. How in the world did you even get my number? Is there some national mobile phonebook published that I’m not aware of? As if it’s not bad enough our corporations are making frivolous products which turn our people into consumption addicts, we have to find out that business and government are different forms of the same rotten fruit. You and your political parties should be ensuring that corporations serve the people and the country, not the other way round. Because right now household debt is as bad as our obesity rate (the highest in the region, no thanks to food companies). Our debts are socialized, our profits are privatized and our airport taxis feel like they’re going to come apart on the highway. And instead of solving the problem, you’re buying phone numbers.

7. This is the worst part, because you seem to have graduated away from SMS-es to making actual phone calls. Today I got a call and – lo and behold – I heard a recorded message tell me that Barisan created the universe, invented sliced bread and holds the secret to global warming and cancer. All fine and good, except I hated the sound of the recording. The dude speaking didn’t sound excited at all, like he was a hostage mouthing a script thrust into his blood-soaked face. It was impersonal, unclear, full of static and devoid of life.

Just like you.