by Art Harun
Sept 4

The contents of my stomach flew out of my mouth onto the floor after reading Minister Datuk Seri Hishamuddin Hussein’s apparent defense of the cow-head demonstrators yesterday. Before I had finished wiping it, I was hit by another nausea inducing curve ball in the form of Datuk Mukhriz Mahathir’s statement supporting Hishamuddin’s.

Apparently now an offence should not be prosecuted if such prosecution might cause “further unrest”. Yes folk. It is the fasting month. Quite obviously, to certain Muslims, when food and drink are not consumed, blood circulation would be affected thus preventing the supply of oxygen to the brain. The result is calamitous. And not to mention rambunctiously funny.

Mukhriz must remember that when his father, Tun Mahathir Mohamad charged Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim for a cooked-up offence circa 1997-98, 100,000 people came out on the street. What do you call that? Peace and tranquillity?

People resting? Or was that “unrest”? So, please answer this. Since when has an offence not become prosecutable for fear of an unrest? No wonder that guy from Penang who called the Chinese and Indians “pendatang” was not charged. That would have caused unrest too, huh? I think I should speed up my invention of a talk cock eater.

As events would have it, while I was spraying Febreeze on my carpet — to clean out yet another puke after that statement — my stomach churned again.

This time from Minister Hishamuddin’s statement that those responsible for the cow-head demonstration should be charged in Court. I then felt faint. Everything went black. My head was spinning. I blacked out. Apparently I suffer from U-turn phobia.

Speaking of U-turns, guys and gals, you all would remember Minister Rais Yatim’s internet filter debacle. One minute he wanted to filter the internet and was driving 200 mph in his Proton Perdana to Filterville.

The next minute he made a U-turn, Of course, to the delight of all and sundry. Not after the whole world had read about the earlier decision though. The World – 1, Malaysia – 0.

Then His Royal Excellent I-have-changed-my-mode Minister announced that the Black Eyed Peas concert in Malaysia was only allowed for non-Muslims. Again, Minister Ng Yen Yen of the Tourism Ministry was so thankful for the wholly free publicity that Malaysia was having world wide. It looked like Ambassador Todt would be out of job soon, if our Government continues at this rate. The World – 2, Malaysia – 0.

Of course, a couple of days later, when the anger caused by the first announcement had barely subsided, the decision on the BEP concert was reversed. Now Muslims can go. I thought the news page I was reading did not upload completely. Because I was dead sure there must be a catch right? Like Muslims can go but shall be confined to a male and female-only areas on the roof of the stage or something. And they shall not dance. And Fergie must wear only batik baju kurung with a slit of not more than 2 inches in length. But no, there weren’t such limitations. Phew…. Anyway, by this time, the World led by 3 to Malaysia 0.

Apparently this is getting to be some sort of a tradition. This U-turning aka flip-flopping like some penguins walking on ice while wearing diving foot wear. Flip, flip. Flop. Like that. Flip, flip, flip. Flop. You get what I mean.

Before this, of course when Teoh Beng Hock was found dead at MACC’s office, our DPM quickly said there will be no Royal Commission. About three days later, a Royal Commission was duly established. The World – 4, Malaysia – 0.

Before that there was the issue of teaching Maths and Science in Bahasa Melayu aka Bahasa Kebangsaan aka Bahasa Malaysia aka Bahasa Baku and back to Bahasa Melayu. Flip and then flop. U-turn.

Ahah. Now His Excellent Minister Refined Rais is thinking of imposing conditions on ASTRO, contrary to the license being granted to Astro all these while. OSK has warned that this might have a negative impact on foreign direct investment.

Of course it will. Who in his or her right mind would want to come and invest in Malaysia if the parameters within which his or her business is to be carried out cannot be ascertained with certainty? The World – 5, Malaysia – 0.

But the one which stole the thunder form everything else was His Excellent former Minister -We-Have-Erections-Once-Every-Five-Years Zainuddin Mydin. Singapore was “sacked” from Malaysia because of Lee Kuan Yew’s Chinese-centric mantra. As if now, all Chinese Malaysians who are perceivably critical of the Government could be herded onto an island — ala the stray dogs in whatever pulau recently — and left to become cannibals out of hunger.

Of course, he had to leave the best for last. Yes. Singapore apparently has a third world democracy with a developed world mentality. Malaysia on the other hand has developed world democracy but a third world mentality. Mr Ex Minister, a democracy, unlike sex, does not have many positions or level. Either you have it or not. You do not have a doggie style democracy, a reverse cow gal democracy or whatever. Just plain democracy.

As for third world mentality, well, you can add Mad Cow disease to that as well. But it is not common among all Malaysians mind you. It only afflicts some people. They know who they are. The World 6, Malaysia 0.

Then, yesterday, TLDM received its first ever, ever, ever submarine.

The World 6. 1 Malaysia.

Syabas.