By Art Harun

Ding dong…a very good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, we have safely landed at the Kuala Lumpur International Airport. Welcome to Malaysia.

The local time is 5.35pm. The weather is slightly cloudy with the usual monsoon rain expected in about 30 minutes time and the current temperature is 34 degrees Celcius. For those who think that the rain in Malaysia is similar to the rain in Paris, London or New York, please note that our monsoon drains are 8 feet deep and 4 feet wide and run for hundreds of kilometres. They cost 30,000 Malaysian Ringgit per foot to build and 30 million Malaysian Ringgit to maintain per month. We take our rain very seriously, Ladies & Gentlemen. And you would be well advised that our rain is nothing, repeat, nothing compared to the rain in your country.

A bit about Malaysia for you. Malaysia is truly Asia. We have the Talibans in some states and government agencies. Please do not ever ever bring with you a Bible in Bahasa Melayu, the national language. Sorry, I have to be more specific. No Bible in Bahasa Melayu is allowed in Peninsula Malaysia. Eh, sorry, I have to be more particularly specific. No Bible is allowed in Bahasa Melayu in the Peninsula Malaysia other than the Federal Territories of Kuala Lumpur, our capital and Putrajaya, our administrative capital. In the states of Sabah and Sarawak, Bible in Bahasa Melayu is kosher.

By the way, Bahasa Melayu is also known as Bahasa Malaysia or Bahasa Kebangsaan. As to why it has three names, let’s not get into that or otherwise you all would never disembark this plane.

By the same token, please do not use the word Allah if you are not Muslims unless you are in Kuala Lumpur, Putrajaya or the states of Sabah or Sarawak. So Ladies and Gentlemen, beware of the state boundaries while in Malaysia. For example, if you are in Kuala Lumpur going towards PJ Hilton, do stop at the Kuala Lumpur/PJ boundary to throw away your Bible in Bahasa Melayu, if any. And stop using the word Allah too. As a rule of thumb, you would know when to do that when you exit a toll plaza, if you use a highway, that is.

So, as I was saying, we have the Talibans. Then we have the Bangladeshis, Pakistanis and various races from the Indian sub-continents. Venture along the Bukit Bintang areas at night and you will see many Chinese from China, Vietnamese, Myanmarese and Cambodians, all of them women. Somewhere in Ampang, you will see many Koreans. Venture into some of our private colleges which teach English – without students although there are many student names on the register – and you will probably see some Iranians. And that’s apart from the thousands of Indonesians, Thais and Philippines here.

We are truly Asian, indeed.

Speaking of Talibans, if you happen to be an American couple of 60 years of age or more, please be careful while in your hotel room. Your room may be raided at 3am and both of you dragged in a hearse or kereta mayat to a religious agency’s office for “khalwat.” After finding out that you are not Muslims, you would be duly released.

So, don’t worry too much about it. It is part of our effort to give you a full “Malaysian experience”, an experience which you will not forget and will ever remember.

Thank you for flying with us, MAS, Malaysia Air-Asia System, ooops, sorry, the Malaysia Airline System. Here at MAS, we give a lifetime warranty that Malaysia will not turn into an asylum. This lifetime warranty is good for 10 days or until you go completely insane, whichever comes first.

While in Malaysia, please do not hesitate to drive around. Rent a car, like our national car, the Proton. Mind you, Proton gives a lifetime warranty that it’s power windows will work. The lifetime warranty is good for 10 years or until 250000 km, whichever comes first. A double lifetime warranty that all four tyres will continue rotating is also in the pipeline, we heard.

Do switch on the television set and watch our national channels please. The contents are guaranteed to be inoffensive by the Minister of Information himself. So you can watch all the programmes without being worried that any of them might offense you, your wife or girlfriends, your kids, your mother or anybody. All offensive programmes, including advertisements or public announcement service have been removed. Do not worry.

However, there might at times be some black & white video clips of half naked men in a towel in a hotel room waiting to have sexual intercourse with a nice little sex worker during prime time. That is not offensive. So please do not be offended by that.

While you are having your nice Italian, French or plain old English dinner, there might be some discussions on our national television channels about how semen could be found in the ass without any penetration of the ass and the likes. That is also not offensive. Sorry if you find that offensive. You are obviously hyper-sensitive social miscreants from the West who is too concern with political correctness. Get real please.

For those of you who are Christians, please be careful while talking to the Muslims over here. They are very weak and they could be proselytise to Christianity very easily. If that happens, you are at fault. You could be dragged in a hearse or kereta mayat to any religious office and be interrogated. They might raid your hotel and do whatever.

As a guide, please conceal your crucifixes while talking to your Muslim friends. If you wear crucifix on your necklace or bracelets, do conceal it. If you have a crucifix tattoo on any part of your body which could be seen by your Muslim friends, please remove those tattoos before meeting your Muslim friends. They might get offended or worse still, they might convert to Christianity after meeting you. Trouble, I tell you!

Now, I wish to make a special announcement to all of you who are British. We are sorry and please accept our most fervent apology for saying all this while that you lot had colonised us. We now say you have never colonised us. Repeat. You, the British, have never colonised us.

All those times, you were only protecting us from the evil Dutch, Portuguese and Thais. In fact, looking at our nation 54 years after you all had left, we now think that you were actually protecting us from ourselves. Our deepest gratitude to you all. Never mind the fact that all our Sultans or Malay Rulers had to follow and do whatever you said. You have been very kind to station your advisers in all our states to advise our Rulers and forced them to follow such advices. Thank you also for permanently rearranging our society.

For all that you have done in protecting us, we have repaid you with our tins and all our other natural resources. We have also allowed you to convert our land into rubber estates and named our roads in your British names. In fact, we are sorry to have stolen your British names and used them for our roads, schools, temples, churches and others. You have been very kind.

You might ask why our Father of Independence screamed out Merdeka, Merdeka, Merdeka (Free, Free, Free) at the stroke of midnight of 31st August 1957 had we not been colonised by you? Well, it seems that he was only celebrating the divorce of his good friend from his three wives.

The point is, you have not colonised us. Sorry for saying so for the past 80 years or so.

For those of you who are inclined to know our contemporary political and societal issues, please be advised that you will not impress Malaysians in any of your conversation with us if you talk about our newly read budget for 2012, the fast rising inflationary rate, the impact of the global economy, particularly the impact of the forthcoming Europe meltdown, or the United States’ debt ceiling or similar matters.

The most recent issue in our political arena, which is being discussed everywhere for the past 3 days is the squeezing of tits. In local lingo (use the local lingo if you want to impress us ya!) that is called “ramas tetek.” You can start your conversation with anyone of us by asking, “eh, true ahh that fler ramas the tetek?” And just follow the flow of the conversation after that.

If you want to impress your Malaysian friend more after that, throw in some discussions about sodomy. Then try discussing about the possibilities of semen ending up in the ass without penetration. Come up with your own theory, like the semen could fly into the ass. Something like that. Then talk about sex videos. You will surely be a hit with the locals in no time.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it has been a pleasure serving you and we hope to see you again on our flight. A very good evening from me, your friendly stewardess, Norazilawati Azreen Sherry binti Mahat.

(silent)

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Ding dong. This is your chief crew, Tony Fernando. On behalf of Captain Ahmad, welcome on board flight MH481 to London. We apologise for Cik Norazilawati’s mistake in reading the arrival greeting instead of a departure greeting just now.

Our flight to London will take 13 hours……….